What 2014 has taught me!

WARNING! NEGATIVE!

2014 has unequivocally destroyed my rose colored glasses.  The world as a whole is truly a vile place.  I look to find the greener grass and at this point I do not believe in a second that there is any.  Society is nothing more than a vast desert of emotion.  Unfeeling, uncaring and narcissistic. 

So here are some of the wonderful things I have learned during the year of 2014.  For which I will call the year of awakening.

 People really suck to the core:  I have spent my life only seeking the good in people.  Excusing the bad things with comments such as “they are just having a bad day”, “it’s not about me, its their own issue” and so on and so forth. The truth is that we all have the power and the obligation to take responsibility for our actions.  If we talk to someone or treat someone poorly regardless of our “mood” this behavior is on us.  And generally the people I deal with in the world are just plain mean and selfish.  ALL OF THEM

 There is no help for the mentally abused: In assisting a friend in a very psychologically abused relationship I have discovered that there is absolutely no help.  No help in the court system.  No help in the advocacy groups, which are established to help abused women and children, no help ANYWHERE.  In order to receive any level of assistance you either have to be significantly wealthy (for the court system) or someone actually has to punch you.  Pushes and kicks are not considered abuse if they do not occur on a regular basis.

 The people who struggle pay the most: Late fees, higher interests, poor fees, you name it, if you are struggling you pay it.  It’s a system designed to not allow someone to be prosperous.  I’m ok where here or there but damn.  If you get behind you are there FOREVER! There is no hope in site.  There is no way to get out of the whirlpool.  There is no assistance for people in the middle class.  NONE.  However, if I decide to stop contributing to the economy, my rent, lights, food, phone, internet, addictions, medical, dental, vision and everything else is paid for.  In most cases all I would have to do is pop out a child.  Where do those of us who work our asses off to pay for the loafers or fill the pockets of the banks, utility companies, and everyone else go to get some fucking assistance?  I can’t even get help from the local churches because I make too much money… and yet I have no groceries, I quit smoking, I cut my own hair and do my own nails.  I give what I can (because that’s what they say helps you get helped) I try and try and for what!  The lights will be cut off in a week.  I’m 200 short on rent, my car payment has not been made for three months (they won’t help much because I am behind), I have no auto insurance (to expensive to start and maintain with a 21 year old and two full coverage vehicles).  As soon as my check deposits in the bank I am 500 negative.  Christmas sucked… why should I work?  The government will pay for all of my shit if I don’t. 

 The world make victims of the struggling:  So I apply for a few loans online and I am denied of course because I am struggling and what happens,  I’m now being harassed by fake bill collectors trying to scare me into paying debts I do not owe when they know I’m broke because they got my info from some place I probably fell victim to thinking they were a legitimate lending office because if you can’t steal from the rich and you can’t steal food stamps you might as well steal from those who are struggling but they have jobs.  So I wear this huge sign on my head that says… Please take from me my blood, sweat and tears… kick me while I am down.  Abuse me endlessly and I’ll just lie here and take it. 

 Being Positive is wasted energy:  the longer I have tried to stay positive the harder life has hit me in the face.  I have always known and recognized the negative however I have trained myself to focus on the positive and hope for the best.  It’s a complete waste!!!!!!! It’s not real and I now believe what I have fought so long to keep at bay…. There is no good anywhere.  Any effort you put forth of goodness is returned in hatred, lies and betrayal. 

There is no point

I am done

The three securities all women need

Men say they don’t understand women and from my experience that is true (in most cases).  Not to say anything bad about men in general it is difficult to get into a woman’s head and know what’s going on.  We are complicated.  Chasing our thoughts down the rabbit hole and branching into tangents and hoping to figure it all out.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately especially as my relationship is coming to an end.  In my thoughts I have been trying to identify what it is I want… as a woman.   Finally after some alone deliberation it has come to me.  I want to share this information.

There is one thing a woman really needs…  It is what we are programmed to seek out in our mate.  This one thing has only three categories.  What we need is Security!  Physical security, emotional security and financial security.  Hear me out:

Physical Security:  A woman needs to feel protected that if danger is imminent her mate will be able to protect her.  Though I don’t buy into us being of the weaker sex nor do I believe a girl cannot hold her own.  This need is primal. Instinctive.  I bet this is where the “Bad Boy” infatuation comes from.  We see him as strong and tough physically.  The “Bad Boy” can protect us physically in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. 

Emotional Security: This is where love falls.  We need to feel loved, needed, trusted.  I want to trust you hold my heart as dear to you as I hold yours.  That we are together fighting the world back to back in the face of existence.  I need to be trusted just as I need to trust. 

This doesn’t mean we need to unleash on you all our issues (but if we do you hear us).  Listening without action, letting us tell you a problem without you instantly trying to fix it.  Typically we know what to do… we just want to be heard.

Our mate also has to have his emotions in check or at least on the same level as our own.  Unfortunately there is a double standard here that applies to the men of the world… (Some of where the confusion comes in).  We seek sensitive partners… because that is what we think we need.  Someone who feels like we do.  But then if we find him it’s not what we wanted after all… we look back to the physical security needs and a lot of the time these two do not come together. 

As women we do ourselves a great injustice with this. Men are different… they do not think like women and that’s perfectly ok.  We need someone who compliments us.  Someone who fills in the gaps.  Provides what we cannot. 

Respect also falls into this category.  Without it there is zero emotional security.  Respect of your partners strengths and weaknesses and loving beyond them.  Understanding our emotional needs and not disregarding them.  Of all of the strengths a woman seeks in my humble opinion this one is the absolute most important.

Financial Security:  don’t let this label fool you.  Financial security is a dual effort.  It doesn’t necessarily mean the man has to make more money.  However it does mean that as a couple all of the financial needs are met.  The bills are paid, there is money in case of an emergency and we have a little fun fund.  There are plenty of healthy marriages where the woman is the bread winner and the man is a stay at home dad or the support for the working woman.  I love the thought of diversity.  And each relationship is between the people in it and not anyone else.  So please do not take this wrong.  I fully believe that if it works for you don’t change it. 

Some women get caught up in this one and try and substitute the rest with this one.  Ladies, there is a reason why they say money cannot buy happiness.  Because without emotional and physical security…. You still are left wanting.  And Money cannot buy those things. 

Some men take offense because a woman’s salary is higher than hers.  Typically as long as we are both contributing we (as women) don’t always get caught up in this.  However, if it bothers you and your emotions are off because of it… communicate with your spouse or correct the problem… but do not treat her poorly because of it.  Remember… you have the power to do whatever it is that you want to. 

It’s hard to articulate how each of these things are important.  These are only summations of the thoughts in my head and are not complete.  I welcome comments and questions.  Please keep it respectful.  I welcome a healthy debate

Who am I??

I am a Woman

I am a Mother

I am a Daughter

I am a Sister

I am an Aunt

I am a Grand-Daughter

I am a Niece

I am a Cousin

I am a Student

I am a Hard Worker

I am a Friend

I am a Girl Friend

I am a Home Maker

I am Silly

I am a Therapist

I am a Healer

I am a Force

I am Soft

I am Hard

I am Emotional

I am a Dreamer

I am Scared

I am Confident

I am Passionate

I am Sexy

I am Crafty

I am a Geek

I am Logical

I am Happy

I am Sad

I am ME

What are you?

Wondering Mind... Little things

I wonder through my day my mind never really landing on one consistent thought for very long at all.  I have a lot of things I’d love to share with the blogging community.  If only to be able to revisit these thoughts at different points in my life.  As I grow as a human and make connections base on new observations it’s easy to get caught up in the “little things”.  (The direction I was going JUST changed)

Why is it a double standard when it comes to the little things?  We say all to often that it is the little things that count.  They add up and equal the big things so we need to take the good things and consider them and yet we are also told not to get caught up in them.  Don’t sweat the small stuff and so on and so forth.  To me it seems futile because a collection of little bad things will also equal one big thing.  We have to apply it to both sides of the coin. One or two pennies don’t weigh much but add 1000 to a pile and its pretty heavy indeed. 

I really think it’s more of a balancing act.  Which side tips the scale?  If I collect 100 good things and 100 bad things they balance each other out.  The trick then is to recognize and collect the good things and let the bad ones slip through the cracks.  (Change Channels)

I would really love to have a humorous blog.  I have come across some pretty funny and creative people out there and I would love to brighten someone’s day as mine has been brightened by so many others.  But for the moment what seems to come out are just a bunch of boring contemplations. 

Blah blah blah… Funny will come when it’s time.  I might be able to get back there when all this boring stuff is dumped… 

(see… I’m already thinking of other things…. Learning to focus is my next task)

I think I can… I think I can

Created on wordle.net

Getting caught up in obstacles can be very difficult to overcome.  Especially if you’ve been in a place that seems to be walls rather than just a closed door.  I’ve been there for a little while now, seeing every obstacle as a brick wall.  I’ve been doing some serious self evaluation lately.  Looking for the things that are good about me and seeking to find solutions to the things I want to change.  One of the things I want to change is my ability to not see the forest despite the trees.  The seemingly unending stop I experience at every turn.  In most cases I have found after a bout of depression and a little time that the solution was a lot easier than I could have hoped. 

Case in point… I have spent the better part of three years in a job that reduced me often to a puddle of tears.  It tore down my confidence and made me doubt myself and my ability.  It failed to recognize my contribution and many of my managers treated me like I had no clue.  I have actively sought other employment but the market is saturated with folks that do what I do so it’s difficult to get the interview when 1 open requisition gets 50 applicants.  You have to hope you’re one of the first 10.  I was finally reassigned onsite to a position that was abruptly made available due to some high politics and unfortunate events.  Luckily the gentleman I replaced has moved on to some bigger and better things.  I find myself looking back at the time I have spent in a pool of self pity and realized that even though I couldn’t see there were other many wonderful things happening around me and for me. 

So I look at that most recent example and evaluate all the other times I’ve felt helpless and hopeless… each of these times I see now how they turned out better than I could hope.  With this realization I will look no longer at the obstacle…  I’m going to find my way around it…  Seek to be mindful of the possibilities and shift my very own reality…  No longer will I cry for people who do not love me, for a job that does not respect me, or for a path I was not intending to take.  I will stop… remember… and create my own happiness.  After all, the truth is I’m the only one who can. 

Reason, Season, Lifetime….

We have all heard the poem or some variant of it… you know the one… people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  Here it is just in case:

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

 Interestingly enough this blog post was set out to be something totally different.  I had intended on relaying the hurt I feel based on some of the people I have recently stopped associating myself with.  Many of whom I have called friend for quite some time.  After re-reading the poem above I have an entirely new outlook on the situations…  I guess I took for granted that these individuals were Lifetimers… never considering that in fact they were reasons or seasons.  I am grateful for knowing them… Some taught me lessons that I wish I didn’t have to learn but glad I did never the less… some taught me beautiful things.  A couple taught me that I deserve more and one taught me that it’s not all about me.  So I thank them for the lessons, the wonderful memories and even the pain…   I remain appreciative for the lifetimers…. All the lessons have made me a better person, a better friend and a happier individual…

Although on occasion I lament the absence of some I continue to look forward to new beginnings… always anticipating the new reason, the new season and the new lifetime…. 

Gratitude

I recently read the blog of a friend which touched me. She expressed her gratitude through all of life’s ups and downs and it really made me think. I have been caught up in a world of self pity and it’s been a struggle to get out. I have been focused on all of the things I perceive as bad and wondering when something good will happen. I recognize that I am on my pity pot. I try and try to get out... forever telling myself that it could be worse, it has been worse and there are many good things happening. But it wasn’t until reading my friends post did all of the good become recognizable. I actually feel better. So a great big THANK YOU to Ottermonkey for her thought provoking words. Eloquently written and worth the read find it here: http://ottermonkey3.wordpress.com/.



So with this new found inspiration I am going to wake tomorrow with GRATITUDE.  I will be thankful for each breath, each moment I share with those I love, being employed in a troublesome time…  I will also be thankful for all of the hard lessons I have learned… and for all the wonderful memories that swim in my mind. 



My new mission: to wake with gratitude every day…. So when life hits me with a new challenge my strength will be reserved and ready!



Thank you Ottermonkey!  I really needed that.



Darth Gigi

Wow it's been a whole year since I started this blog. I dont come here often... LOL... I guess I dont have much brain to dump.  I'm taking a small break from preparing for my anual christmas party and I am exhausted.  But in the same breath very excited to see friends and family and enjoy an evening of fellowship with them.  I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season!

Blog on the go...

Im excited to be able to blig from my phone. Look at this thing I made:

Long Time No Blog.

I'm not entirely sure anyone is reading anyway but this is a great outlet for me so I'll blog when I can and one day read back and laugh at my self... (At least that's what I do with all those old journals from when I was a young girl through my early 20s.  Those are the things comedies are built on... LOL.

Anyway... I was reading over my last blog where I was in a state of hopelessness when blogging.  There have been many changes since then and there are many things that are the same.  Work... meh!  Home... better...  but during the last few weeks I had an epiphany.  To many times we look externally for happiness.  We expect our loved ones and the people around us to be accountable for our morale and that is where my mind has been for a few months now.  I have expected others to contribute to my happiness and that is where I failed because ultimately I am the ONLY person that is in control of that.  I sought out my managers to do the right thing (according to my mind).  I expected my family to understand and contribute (without explanation) and that ultimately lead to my own disappointment. 

Yes, the people who love me genuinely care about my happiness and no matter how hard they try unless I am truly happy with myself there is not really anything they can do to contribute.  I decided that I would come up off of my PITY POT and take charge of my happiness.  Learn to recognize when my loved ones were trying and learn to understand that aside from a handful of people the only person who really cares if I am happy is ME... and ultimately I am the only one who can do a damn thing about it. 

So...  I picked myself up... dusted off....  took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and said "Suck it up Candy Ass.... Get Happy!!!!"